you know when your car gets stuck in the mud and you just can’t get out?
tires spinning, the horrible, awful, revving sound with just enough pity that everyone knows it’s not going to go anywhere without a push.
that pretty much sums up how i’ve been feeling. turning my wheels so fast, but barely making progress getting out of this rut.
she got sick again. this time it was a 103.7° fever at 4 am. i sat straight up in bed and just knew something was wrong. once i felt her, it was like fire.
heat emitting off of her.
for the first time, i didn’t panic.
must be getting the hang of things?
her cheeks were hot red and flushed.
back to the pulmonologist where he upped her breathing treatments for the winter.
as a preventative.
we were reassured this was another of the many viruses she will be fighting off.
just when i get hang of administering enzymes, vitamins, salt, we add multiple breathing treatments for the morning and evening.
gosh, i was never on time before we had kids, the fact that i even make it anywhere these days is a miracle.
as i’ve said before, the truth of her diagnosis was one set of emotions but now coupled with her being sick and all of these added treatments have made it all so very real.
i’ve been sleeping less.
waking every hour.
which explains my snippines.
…lack of patience.
…lack of forming complete sentences when i speak.
i haven’t seen any of my friends in weeks.
not sure when the last time i even met someone for coffee.
or a drink.
…unless it’s for groceries.
i’ve actually become “that friend” who is a memory.
the one who doesn’t reach out, and if she she does, it’s crisis mode.
i miss being more than that.
this frantic, scattered, mess who is
trying to create a calm for her little boy, care for her baby girl, a home for her husband, cultivate her small business and to continue to keep her modeling thriving is stuck.
in the mud.
my tires are revving.
but they’re so tired.
so. so. tired.