egads, it’s been quite some time since i wrote.

not for lack of trying…

there have been moments of highs and lows.

for the highs: my aspirations of becoming a model have come to life.

like for reals.

i was officially welcomed to the qvc family.

i am so happy and grateful — as i have been for my other modeling jobs but nothing has ever been this steady.

all of my determination, persistence and dusting off my knees from the countless “no’s” and letdowns, have been dignified.

1 “good ol’ american stick-to-it-ness”

lows: she got sick again.

actually, we all did, but the craigs and i don’t have the added component of this chronic, life shortening disease.

hence my blog.

and trust me, each sickness, i actually have become less of a frantic, frazzled mess — but each sickness she seems to get hit harder.

should it not be the other way? she’s getting older, which means stronger…??

when someone with cf becomes ill, it’s like, if i may quote one of my cf momma friends, “lock down mode.” you stay home, do extra treatments and do your best to keep any other sicknesses from coming in. you spend so much of your time with treatments, administering medicines and heading into the doctors and pharmacies…

we went into the pulmonologist three times in a week.

and the sounds of her tiny chest crackling with each breath — it was like hearing oil hit a hot pan in slow motion. i let her lie on me while i just stared and listened to her.

i had to be my own best friend in my head and remind myself that i am doing everything that can be done to help her get through this.

i had not a second to feel helpless and definitely not hopeless.

i had to do this all with a smile, as i have a beautiful 4 year old looking to me. asking me questions about his sister. i want to be somewhat honest with him, yet, i need to keep my attentions to my babies balanced.

what a difficult feat!

again, the bff in my head says i can only do as much as i can. i am doing my absolute best to be mindful of his feelings.

it must not be easy being a sibling to a chronically ill sister.

the one pulm visit resulted in chest x-rays and a throat and nasal swab.

maybe if i had ever had an x-ray, besides my teeth, this might have been somewhat easier, but i had no idea what was going on.

maybe if the radiology department wasn’t adjacent to the critical care unit, where just 4 years prior, my husband spent time recovering from a horrible car accident which resulted in neck surgery from a broken neck and numerous other injuries, i wouldn’t have had a flood of memories at this exact time.

and maybe if my baby, being strapped into a high chair with her arms tied above her head, wasn’t crying and confused, i would have been able to have handled this all better.

maybe.

i shudder still thinking about that day.

what doesn’t break you makes you stronger?

the beauty with technology, i was able to speak with the pulmonologist and view the x-rays right away.

i just remember seeing more white in her lungs where i should not have.

the doctor personally called us the next morning (nope, not a good sign) with the results from her throat and nasal cultures…not the best news, but a different antibiotic was prescribed.

we met him today to see how she has progressed.

her weight is back up and her lungs sounded good. she’s doing so well. we discussed her results and she had another throat swab done. yay. 

we also decided, it would do her best for us to start CPT with her each day as a preventive measure.

CPT is Chest Physical Therapy.

this manual percussive therapy helps break up mucous in the lungs.

we go back to learn this in the next week.

i’m relieved to know we will be doing something else that can help her but i’m also a little bit sad, too…

.



1 my husband

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